So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
