If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
