Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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