thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
