I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
