I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
