Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
This can only be settled by a dance off.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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