i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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