you guys were way drunker than both of me
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
