I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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