hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
