Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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