My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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