Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I can't put those talents on a resume
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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