well most of my day revolves around power hour
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
