i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
