hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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