He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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