I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
