I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
