the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
