I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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