Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
