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I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
