I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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