I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
