The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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