i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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