I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
