in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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