her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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