She said her name was "party"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
