I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
