there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
