i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
