woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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