Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
