was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
