I looked at my own cervix.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
