he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
