how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
