dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
