She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
