From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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