Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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