I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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