Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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