You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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