I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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