she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
