Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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